Slasher Shadow

I saw glimpses of you
In those still quiet moments
So I filled them
With Noise and chatter
They all told me to
Look on the bright side
So I stared at the sun
But you were always there
Right behind me
It seemed like the
Good girl thing to do
I stuffed you down
And poured “truth”
And affirmations
On top of you
I drowned out your cuss words
With worship music
The louder the better
With bright lights and cameras too
I tried to medicate you
With faces hugs and
“Vulnerability”
But I could still feel you
Squirming beneath the surface

When it was all stripped away
And unraveled
I heard an earthquake rumbling
But I just kept trying to connect
With my higher power
Holy frustration kicked in
Ran through my blood
Ok fine let’s look deeper
I went in
Then you emerged

You came out hard fiery
Slashing everything in sight
I was surprised
You beat and you kicked
and you slashed
And I loved it
I could feel you finally
I could finally hear your cries
And I was honored
To finally be the one
To give you a voice

I’m sorry I silenced you
Please look me in the eye
Your feelings matter
They are real and valid
Now here we are
In these woods
Face to face
I’m ready to listen
I’m ready to hear it all
Your rage
Your hatred
Your disappointment
Your frustration
Your grief
I really do care
And I always have
I just don’t always know
What to do with you
Because you’re very powerful
I’m here to listen
And I’ll always validate you
And be willing to connect with you

When you’re ready
I have a friend
Who I know could explain Himself
And might be able to help you
To See more clearly
To Release the anger
And show you
How much
He actually really does
Give a shit

Encounters #6: Unwinding, Unraveling, Reconnecting

It's been a while since I've posted on this blog.  Ok its been a few years.  I'm pressing in to writing out my encounters again.  I'm so hungry, so desperate for the Presence of God, for encounters for my hungry and thirsty heart.  I just need Him.  He is my reason and my everything.  He is my breath and my shalom.  He is what I really crave and need.  I'm so lost and empty and anxious without continual connection.  I know I am always connected to His Presence to His heart, but I need face to face heart to heart experience of His love to get through these days of quarantine.  On February 16th, I moved into a studio apartment and I am living alone for the first time in my life.  Before I ever heard the name of coronavirus (a name I hate to say or even type)... I was complaining to God about my new living situation.  Why am I living alone in this tiny little box?  He said Rebecca I'm calling you to a season of fasting for 3 months.  You will be with me in my Presence.  It will be a time for just the two of us and you will get out of it what you put into it.  It was actually comforting to know it wouldn't be a forever place and that it was intentional by the heart of God to call me into a place of hiddenness with Him.  I told my leaders and friends about it and that I wouldn't be as available to hang out.  I just didn't know it also applied to the rest of the world.  Well here I am and it has been about a month of this quarantine business.  I have gone through so many emotions and phases but ultimately I have been unwinding and unraveling.  I was so wound up from a busy pace of ministry school...that it took me an entire month to reach the place I'm in now.  Finally able to connect but only through radical intention.

Today I pressed in.  Just laid on my little teal loveseat with my fluffy faux fur white pillow and put on Yaweh by the Riveras on repeat.  Its still playing as I type actually.  And I just ascended the way I always do.  I saw myself fly up to the heavens and enter through the door.  I moved through the atmosphere of heaven as if I were swimming which was unusual but I just always roll with what is happening and don't ask a ton of questions until after or if I feel the need to... I went straight to the Father in the throne room.  I just wanted Him.  Here I am I said somewhat ashamedly because I've been avoiding these places.  The Father stood up and I just fell into His arms sobbing.  I was releasing the tension and fear and pain I've been in due to the virus and the quarantine.  I've been so on edge and worried about my mom and my grandma.  I've been overly vigilant and hyper alert not sure what is happening in this crazy moment and season.  Crying into His great big loving arms and into His kind Presence felt so good.  I could go back even now.  He just held me and spoke to me.  Its okay He said.  Its okay for you to be where you are.  He often has more grace for me than I do for myself....but I just keep learning.  A bench appeared and we sat down and I just started talking telling Him how Ive been feeling.  A small pool of water opened up in the floor and I knew it was a portal.  I wanted to go in but I asked Him to come with me.  Stay with me Father.  He held me and we went together.  At first it appeared to be the stars and the cosmos but then it changed to a place I had been before in encounters a beautiful sunrise sky...or maybe its a sunset I'm not sure.  But its so peaceful and beautiful and fluffy white clouds are all around.  We were riding on the giant white dove of the Holy Spirit.  Soaring peacefully through the sky.  Sitting together on the back of Holy Spirit.  Daddy God brought out tea and "crumpets". I laughed remembering my time in England when we had tea parties and pastries.  They were strawberry and so sweet with fancy tea cups.  We just sat there drinking tea.  I smiled at how sweet He was.  I enjoyed the pastries and tea.  Ironically I was drinking tea in the natural realm at this time (well the cup was waiting for me) but I've been fasting sugar and wheat and sweets in general.  He is funny.  We talked a little more and then He said now I have the good stuff.  He pulled out the chocolate dessert...a yummy rich cake that reminded me of tiramisu but more chocolatey.  I laughed and giggled.  He is so full of delight.  We enjoyed together.  Suddenly my heart left and I started to weep. I left the cakes and fell into His arms.  Im so hungry for You I said...so desperate for Your Presence.  I'm glad you're here He whispered.

A text message distracted me.  I will throw my phone into the ocean. haha.  (My silence button broke so if my phone is on it can't be silenced.)

It's a constant battle for me right now.  I'm finally fasting social media.  Trying to keep my eyes on the One I love.  But my attention seems to be split.  I know it is because of my "Guardians" a term we use in inner healing to refer to the parts of our soul that protect ourselves.  Its understandable.  A killer virus is on the loose that has stopped the entire world.  I'm praying for God to continue to draw me in and that I will say yes to His invitations.  They are so worth it and so beautiful.  I'm sure I could have kept going in that encounter.  I will go back later.  I am supposed to be on a call for ministry rooms online with Bethel but I just want to stay in prayer and worship.

Encounters #5: Slaying the Dragon

Sometimes I don’t understand all the visions and the emotions that I am encountering.  I have been having a few days of spiritual warfare, but I believe I am just going to another level of glory and freedom.  Sometimes that can feel like there is resistance in the spirit but it's actually just the resistance of a spiritual muscle getting stronger so to speak!  

Tonight I had a vision.  I was in a place with a small lake that was surrounded by tall trees on all sides.   There was a huge giant dragon in the vision.  I had a sword in my hand and as the dragon roared fire, I could also feel my spirit man roaring back.   I had this fight inside of me like this dragon could not defeat me.  Now, the dragon was like 100x bigger than me, and I thought to myself how am I going to kill him with this tiny sword.  I thought about David and Goliath.  Then I started to sing “This is my father’s world. “  Proclaiming and declaring Him as the sovereign King, as the creator of all things, including that dragon, as the One who gets the last word.  God began to rain down fire.  The fire burned everything in the whole scene.  The trees and the ground were burned dry.  The dragon was burned and was drowned and destroyed in the lake.  Everything was black and burned and so quiet.  It was like the aftermath of a storm, but it was so peaceful.  I remember thinking it was a wasteland.  I didn’t want anything to change.  I just wanted to stay in that place.  I felt relieved, peaceful, safe, close to God, and I was enjoying the stillness of everything around being just blackened by fire.  It stayed that way for a long time but then a faint light started to show like the light of the dawn.  The light became brighter and things started to slowly come to life.  Then faster and faster until there was new life everywhere and things were growing and forming and blooming and animals were moving and making sounds and there was LIFE everywhere.  Then Jesus came.  He flew over the lake where the dragon had been and He started spinning so fast with bright light shining out all around.  He is so powerful.  He stayed there for a while just spinning supernaturally fast and then He shot up to the sky and exploded like a huge white supernova.  He stayed there in the sky but His light from the explosion started to rain down.  It was raining everywhere all through that place like raining bars of light everywhere.  He started to roar over that whole place, “I will have my full reward”  He kept roaring there and the light kept raining down everywhere.  I didn’t know what else He wanted to do and I slowly came out of the vision. 

At some point in the vision,  in the natural I was singing from my spirit.  I was singing what I was seeing but without words.  Just playing my keyboard and singing…and I remember thinking if I ever sang and played like this in a worship leading fashion people would not catch it or people would not receive it but the Lord said.  This is who you are.  I have given you something, a new sound, to release.  I believe the Lord wants to release a new kind of worship, a creative worship, where we are encountering Him in the Spirit realm and where we are just expressing whatever is happening in the spirit realm from our spirits using words or no words.  Freedom.  Where the Spirit of the Lord is… there is freedom. 

After the vision, I wept with relief and it was just a very intense vision. 

I wrote this several days ago and wanted to process it more before I shared it on my blog.  After this vision, a heaviness and burden I had been carrying was immediately gone and never came back.  I am in a battle right now over my destiny and identity.  I am pressing in and contending for the fullness of my creativity and calling.  The Lord is fighting for me and this is why He keeps roaring in my visions.  He is roaring over my destiny.  He is contending for me.  He is so good and so faithful.  I am going into a new and higher level of freedom, revelation, intimacy, relationship, walking in my identity and destiny and it is AWESOME!  I am in a place I have never been in my entire life and it is feeling good.  I can still feel the warfare on some days and the tension of the pull from one place to the next and I can't wait FOR THE FULLNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Encounter #4: Breaking Shame.

This evening I was feeling really gross.  I had a conflict with a close friend last night and that usually really knocks me off balance when that happens.  I have felt unsettled and unresolved since we haven't resolved things yet.  Consequently I stress ate and watched a lot of Netflix today and was generally feeling really not so great about myself.  I know the conflict was partially my issues and I was feeling some shame about the whole situation.  This is honestly just part of life and so I wanted to write this blog post just to show in a very small part how the Lord can minister to us in these moments and bring us back to a higher joy level.

I finally had enough and decided to worship.

I sat down at my keyboard and started to worship.  I went to my garden close to the river that flows down from the throne.  There was a really tall female angel there.  I was laying down on my face in the grass feeling the residue of shame and the angel was there waving her huge wings very slowly over me.  Her eyes and face were full of light and full of acceptance and joy.  She was smiling softly and I could feel that there was no condemnation over me.  She ministered to me and I was finally able to standup.  As I was standing it began raining and the rain was washing over my face, washing and cleansing and me.  It just kept washing and washing over me.  I felt better and decided to go up to the throne room.  As I flew up to the throne room,  I could feel kind of a strength and joy begin to return.  I started to worship and danced before my Father on His throne.  As I danced I could feel strength rising up and my spirit beginning to lift and be set free from what I had been carrying.

Since the issue I am having in the natural is still not resolved, my spirit is not completely at peace...but I am thankful for this time of ministry in the presence of the Lord and His ministering angel.  My spirit is definitely lighter than it was before.

Heaven is our home.

Hebrews 1:14, Isaiah 45:8, Hebrews 4:15-16

Encounters #3: The healing fountain of light.

Tonight the Lord has been speaking to me some about how we are spiritual beings.  We are spiritual beings having an earthly human experience, but before we were on this Earth we were spiritual beings.  We have come down to make known the glory, the truth, the love of God in the world... To shine His light, to learn, to love and to be loved.

Tonight I went to the sea of glass before the throne of my Father and I laid down in brokenness.  I wanted to release all my frustration, my pain, my anxiety, my angst.  I have been feeling frustrated about not being more manifested in certain areas of my life like creativity, relationships, romance, etc.  I just laid there feeling and releasing...letting it all go.

I felt led into a different place and as I went I came to a golden castle.  The castle was golden but made of light.  I crossed a golden pond and went inside the castle.  As I stepped inside, I was wearing a golden cloak, a tiara, and holding a torch, and a scepter.  I walked past a dining table where some heavenly creatures haha were sitting and eating.  Everything was golden and made of light.  They were surprised to see me there and murmured wondering how I had gotten there.  I commented saying that this was my home and I was a citizen of heaven.  They kind of marveled.  I walked past them into a kitchen area and in the kitchen was a big golden fountain of water and light.  It was beautiful.  I took off my cloak and set down the things I was holding and began to drink cupping the water with my hands.  I washed my face and enjoyed this heavenly water and fountain.  I removed everything and stepped into the fountain.  The light, the water, the vibrations flowed through me into my core and all the negative emotions were released from my body until there was only peace.  I stayed there for a long time.  At least half an hour.  Just letting the water, the vibrations go into my stomach.  In the natural I have digestive issues and I could feel that this water was bringing healing to me.  I saw a golden ball of light go into my stomach.  I stayed there just basking and bathing in this fountain for a very long time.

Another part of me who is a warrior came into the house.  He laid down his armor and He also got into the fountain.  He began to weep there as He felt such a sweet release and peace in this glorious presence of healing and love.  I was not in touch with the emotion but I was only seeing him experience this and understood what he was feeling.  He stayed in the fountain.

I started to leave the house but I decided to stay.  I was in a robe and slippers as if I was at a spa and I sat down at the table in front of the fountain and decided to stay there resting and drinking a tall glass of water from the fountain.

Now, all of this may sound strange but it was a spiritual encounter that was simply activated by my imagination.  My spirit and soul was receiving something from this heavenly place.  I believe I was receiving some degree of healing in both my soul and my body from Jesus who was this fountain of Living Water.  Thank You Holy Spirit for leading me to this golden castle of light and healing.  I bless You and thank You.  I believe You are doing a great work in my life and You are healing me, setting me free, and walking with me towards the manifestation of my destiny in You as You created me to be!  I worship You and thank You.

For with you is the fountain of life; in your light we see light. Psalm 36:9

Encounters #2: One with Christ.

Tonight I met with Jesus in my garden.  Its a spiritual place.  A garden which is the garden of my heart which is also in heaven.  The garden is very very big with many things in it like a waterfall and a river and above the waterfall the throne room.  There is a small part of the garden that is circular and there are round stone benches all around it where I sometimes sit and talk with Jesus.  Tonight I sat and talked with Him.  I was telling Him about my loneliness and my longing for deeper connections, for deeper friendships and relationships, and for a spouse.  To be intimately known and loved.  As I spoke about this, He did remind me of His deep love for me.  He reminded me that I am one with Him.  Since I am one with Him, I actually stepped inside of His body.  I could feel love pour from His heart into my chest and into my belly, the core of my soul.  His love for me was like fire.  I began to dance.  I began to dance the way that I always dance except for that my spirit was still inside of His body.  I danced there for a few minutes and enjoyed the way it felt to be "hidden in Christ".  Then Jesus began to ascend up higher.  He began to create things with His hands and I was still inside of Him.  He began to fly and it was like flying like Superman...  So high so free so full of joy and exhilaration.  We were in the heavenly bodies of the universe...  Where the planets are stars are.  Jesus  swept His hand and planets formed.  He swept His hand across the darkness and stars and planets were strung up like Christmas lights.  His love for me began to roar, to vibrate, to over power the entire universe.  I could feel it and every part of the universe could feel it.  Every being in the universe was aware of His love, His passion, His tenacity for me and for every one of His sons and daughters.

But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit. 1 Cor 16:17

Encounters #1: Dancing on the water

It was our usual place.  Not far from the horizon line.  Barefoot in the middle of the ocean on top of the water as the sun painted tropical dusk through the sky.  We didn’t just walk on the water.  We danced.  We always dance.  Face to face, heart to heart, eye to eye, cheek to cheek.  He whispers to me of His goodness... His kindness. 

As I looked into His eyes tonight, I marveled.  This man.  He knows me inside and out.  He knows me better than I know myself.  Every detail.  We don’t always speak with words.  He usually just reads my mind.  He laughed a little and said, “I made you.  Of course I know you.”  “Thank you for making me”, I said.  With my cheek next to His, I could feel his hair, his beard as He whispered into my ear…“I was so happy to make you” He said.  The words went deep down in my heart.  When He fashioned me He put purpose, creativity, song, destiny, desire, fire, so many good things inside of me.  He dreamed a joyful dream when He dreamed of me.  When He formed me and fashioned me in the secret place before the foundations of the world.  

Tonight His eyes were so vivid.  So clear.  So steady.  Maybe clearer than they have ever been before.  My capacity for Him is growing.  I can see His eyes more clearly now. 

We danced there on the water.  Heaven was so open.  The drums pounded and I could feel the tribal dance.  I danced and beat the water and splashed and threw buckets of water at Jesus.  We played and laughed there.  He invited me to go down deeper under the water.  I’m usually scared to go under the water.  I have before but I’m usually cringing when I do and I don’t like to stay very long.  There are so many creepy things down there….haha.  For a while we would go down and come up, just a little close to the surface.  Then we went deep down to the bottom.  He picked up a gold coin and brought it up for me.  Then something happened.  I went under the water with Him and this heavenly light came and I was so at peace under the water for the first time ever.  I swam and spun around and felt so free under the water with the beautiful light all around.  Jesus was right next to me.  I could breathe under the water too.   I just enjoyed the freedom, the peace, under the water with Jesus.  Suddenly I started moving faster.  With intention but not aware of where I was going.  I was moving faster than I could swim but without effort.  I was basically flying through the water.  I didn’t know where I was going.  Jesus stayed behind me.  I wondered to myself where I was going.  Then there He was.  Father God.  On His throne under the water.  It was an intimate moment.  Just Him and me there.  He spoke to me by name.  “Rebecca, you are very special.  When I created you, I put greatness inside of you.” As He said greatness, He roared it and it echoed through the entire ocean.  He continued roaring and said, “I will get my full reward.”  As He roared over me, I began to sob.  He was fierce and He was angry at what had tried to hold me back.  I knew as He was roaring He was speaking not only to my heart but also to every power, principality, and spiritual force in the heavenly realms and in the realm of that water where we were.  He was roaring over my fear, over my insecurity, over my destiny, over the fullness of my identity being restored.  He is a jealous God, a fierce protector and defender.  A good good Father. 

When I came up out of the water, I had super strength.  My hair was wet and I was dressed in like white tribal dance clothes.  I danced wildly and flew and I could kick and jump so high.  My spirit had been strengthened by the water.  

Those SYTYCD people ....got nothing on my spirit dancer. haha.

At some point, I went up, I flew up in to the heavens.  I joined with a flying flock of angels. They were flying very fast and in perfect sync with one another.  Somehow I had tagged on.  As we were flying, I tried to focus on their faces.  They were so happy and full of joy.  They were laughing with each other at how wild the flight was and how much fun it was.  They were flying because the Father was so so good.  Haha.  They were rejoicing because of His goodness! 

I saw the Father dancing in the throne room.  He was dancing as I worshipped.  As I sang, “You made a way” He was passionately dancing.  He is passionate to see His bride enter in, to step into the heavenly places.  He bought access for us by the blood of Jesus.  He bought it with His blood, His life, His Crucifixion.  May He get His full reward and may we take hold of and use the free ticket He bought for us on the cross.  May we enter in and commune with our Beloved. 

For he raised us from the dead along with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ Jesus  Ephesians 1:20